sheer potentiality

Sometimes, I come to realize that I truly don’t have a life. I don’t have friends to hang out with. Not at all. And like it or not, I get depressed over it. Not that depressed, and not often, but it happens. It actually happens quite frequently. But the people I know who have lives aren’t any happier than me.

I don’t know. I guess going on and on about it on my blog doesn’t help either. Who wants to read about it? But it’s important. This blog is for myself more than anything. Anyone else who wants to read it is welcome to, and I hope someone out there actually cares about me enough to read this. I do get several unique visitors a week. Well, only a few.

I don’t know how I feel, or what I want. Happiness is so fleeting. I must find a way to be happy and stay happy. But how?

Ah, such is my life…

[Note: I liked this comment (to this post) enough that I added it when I moved it over from my old blog]

Phil, I know what makes every man happy. Women and booze…maybe not in that order.

Where there’s cheap booze then there’s usually cheap women. I’ll share that ‘lil wisdom with you.

Seriously though…

I think, that regardless of wealth, women, health or what-ever-else, that it is human nature to pity yourself and feel that you should have more. Never is anything ever enough.

At least it is that way with most people. Only people on pills never have up’s or down’s.

That’s all right, I guess. But, eventually if you get what you want and you still feel a hole in your life…than maybe you were trying to fill it with the wrongs things. That’s beside the point though.

I’m sure you’ll make plenty of friends at college, and even if you don’t…remember that friends aren’t everything. Actually, they can be a real pain in the arse. Family is much more important. Friends will only like you for so long, or the good ones die…kind of like dogs.

Anyway, you’ve always got me, Phil. I’m here for you, and you’re young yet and have a long time to figure out what’ll make you happy. Hopefully, you’ll find it.

I think a lot of people spend years of their life trying to answer the question ‘what’ll make me happy?’ So, you shouldn’t fear that you haven’t figured it out yet.

Yours truley.

Todd

I’ve noticed that from time to time, I get into the type of mood where I have thoughts, so I’m sharing them.

See, there’s these things in life that I just can’t understand. There’s someone I know, and it’s obvious to me that this person is just like me, in so many ways, but I’m not really close friends with him. And there’s this girl, who likes me quite a bit, and I don’t know how I feel about her. And there’s my life in general, which is headed nowhere, and I need to escape from Port Angeles while I’m still alive, and go somewhere, and actually live up to the ideals that I believe in.

Phil Welch is single. This, of course, is unimportant, because Phil Welch is too lazy to maintain a meaningful relationship anyway. Phil Welch is too lazy to maintain his website, so I wouldn’t trust him with a girlfriend/boyfriend right now. Would you?

I’ve decided that by some unknown mechanism, certain people get along, and others don’t. It has nothing to do with anything else, and operates on its own. But when it works, people lose their objectivity and become total lunatics. It’s not just romantic, either. Friendships are like that. Sometimes.

I wonder if Iraqi protestors saying, “No oil for blood!” Because if I was Iraqi, and someone was going to invade Iraq, I would be concerned about that. I don’t care how many people died, I might feel sorry for them, but not sorry enough to let them have my oil. I mean, that’s my breakfast, lunch, and dinner out there! They can pay me the fair market price. They can buy the oil field, and make me rich enough to immigrate to Hawaii. But you can’t have it just because you got a bunch of people killed. That doesn’t work.

My comrade Quint Chastain is living in a sitcom. I saw him today, chasing a girl down, and chasing her into the girls’ bathroom, where he tried putting his hands up her shirt. This seems odd and strange until you realize she had stolen his lunch, and he was attempting to recover it. Then it still seems odd and strange, but at least explicable.

As my beloved printer prints page after page of last-minute homework, I began to think about my life, and what it’s all about. Obviously, self-preservation and pursuing happiness are a large part of it, but what does it all have to do with my life? Right now I’m concerned mainly with securing for myself a future, where? At yet another school. Of course, this will be a university, and a good, serious, academic university, which is for some reason commonly known as “Wazzu.” Four years of communal showers and hating the Huskies, for what? Of course I know for what–so I can live a productive life, which is an admirable end in itself. Ayn Rand said that happiness was the state of consciousness that arrives from achieving your values, and that man’s own happiness is the moral purpose of his life. And how do you achieve what you value? Why, by producing, and living off the fruits of your own labor, or what you trade them for. And I’ll produce more with a college education, so the four years of communal showers and hating the Huskies will make me happier in the end.

No, that’s not the real reason. It’s because of my wishful thinking about girls at WSU, and the probability that one who satisfies my basic desires over there would be willing to go out with me.

It’s a combination of both. I want to live the life too. I want independence. In college. Of course, I’ll be living and studying off of money that isn’t mine, at least until I start working over there. Then I’ll be living and studying off of money that is mine. But it’s still independence.

But until that day in late August, I’m still here. And until June 13, at 7 AM (I think), I’m a high school student. Which means more mornings spent chatting with my dorky friend Jon. More exciting discussions in Contemp about stuff. More in-class essays in KJ’s class, and more discussions about the unending search for biblical references in works of literature. More dull labs in Chem, interspersed into fascinating lectures. More time spent getting free fashion advice from April, who has convinced me to stop wearing glasses and to let my cell phone out of its leather case. More boring lunches. More walking up the hill, down the hill, up the hill again. More days studying Geology and German.

Today, I didn’t wear my glasses. The frames are bent. I bend them back into shape, but they bend back out. I might get them replaced, but I’m happy not wearing them. April says I look “more human” without them. Of course, she was shocked to hear I only wore them to look smarter. I’m 20/20 in one eye and 20/25 in the other, after all. I don’t need them, but I do wear them.

I just consolidated all my stuff into 2 binders. I could fit it into 1, but it wouldn’t be worth it. It’s nice losing weight, off my backpack at least. Losing weight off my body wouldn’t be a bad thing, since I’m 209 pounds at last measurement, but I’m comfortable with my body. I don’t feel insecure about it. Then again, I’m not supposed to, I’m male.

I wish I had played at least one sport during high school. Lacrosse would have been a good choice. Running into other people and hitting them with sticks appeals to me. But I’m kind of weak, and I don’t stay in good shape. I need to start doing that anyway.

Well, I’m gonna go now. I’ll blog to you all later. I have Friday off from school, so I might blog on Thursday night. Who knows though. Until then, I’m wearing high-friction pants!