On losing a friend
I seem to have lost a friend. I remember a quote: “It is sad to lose a friend. Not everyone has had a friend.”
My friend didn’t die, or disappear, or get abducted by Marxists. Perhaps she was never my friend to begin with. After all, our friendship was one of the few things I felt certain in, and confident of. If I couldn’t trust in that I don’t think I can trust in anything. I used to confidently think, and say, that we would always be friends, no matter what—that we would always stay in contact with each other. If I was so horribly wrong about one of the most obvious truths to my life, what am I right about? I can no longer trust anyone outside my immediate family. I can no longer let anyone become so important to me.
But the worst part is, there’s one less person in the world I can have a conversation with now. For me there have been few of those people in my life. Maybe some people have a surplus, and can stand to lose one or two.
So be it. This friendship didn’t have the best of beginnings, so I never deserved for it to last as long as it did. I’m not going to go into details, but suffice it to say that when I met this person, I was a different person from who I am today. Back then I was a rather awful person at times. I like to think I’m not so awful anymore, but it’s only in retrospect that I’ll know for sure.
But most people are rather awful at times, and a smaller majority are rather awful most of the time. And one can never really be sure when one has found a true exception. So it is wise to be reserved when dealing with people.
Tags: depression, friendship, misanthropy, women
I don’t exactly know your circumstances but I’ve recently come to realize that a friendship with one of my oldest friends is… well, over. He (perhaps the root of the problem - male/female friendships?) has always taken issue with my choice in mates, and Mike has been no different. He has been rude and disrespectful to and about Mike since day 1, and when I told him that I’ll be marrying Mike, his response was - and I quote - “Wow.”
That’s it.
I invited him to the wedding anyway, just to be the bigger person, but it’s over. I’ll soon be a married woman and I have no room in my life for people who can’t at least pretend to be courteous to my husband, much less myself.
You two are not alone. I had two friends (well, them and their wives) I just had to let go.
The first, as he got older, began to believe he was smarter than everyone else. It first started when he was accepted into Mensa and proudly displayed his certificate in the hallway facing the front door. It eventually degraded into him telling people they were factually wrong when people were stating their opinions. To show you how smart this guy was, he couldn’t keep a job (because he was bored) and eventually ruined his credit rating as he had a series of failed computer start ups. His wife was a total religious basket case so I just decided to stop hanging out with them.
My second friend works at Microsoft from right out of college and basically thinks his poop doesn’t stink. He got in under an internship as there is no way he could qualify for a job there now. He keeps being “laterally promoted” which is industry speak that no one wants to deal with him. But he holds the fact he works at MS over everyone’s head, especially since he came from a poor white trash family. Any conversation with him or his wife is about their latest stuff they got or what they plan to get, which gets old fast. I’m still waiting for that boat to materialize that they swear they want to get. However, I haven’t seen them in over two years.
We all change, and we all grow away from people. I don’t keep in touch with any of my childhood or high school friends. And I have only a handful of university friends I still communicate with.
ThirdManFromTheLeft
I am so sorry to hear this. This does happen, as laurel and anonymous have so eloquently shared. Sometimes, people just ‘move on’ and leave a friend behind…no explanation…just a rejection of the friendship that seems to reflect on who we are as an individual.
I offer you four words.
“Hurt people, hurt people.”
Your friend who ended the friendship caused hurt to another human being; and in my view, this is a *reflection* of the hurt that they, themselves, carry with them.
This is no reflection on you. It’s only natural to turn the feelings inward and conclude that there must be something lacking or deficient within, but this isn’t true. Your friend’s actions are a reflection of their own internal disquiet; leaving some of their pain on your doorstep won’t cause them to feel any better…but your friend doesn’t seem know that on a cognitive level.
Whomever rejected you…is dealing with their own rejection at some level. From what I have read of your thoughts on this blog, you are a deeply philosophical and thoughtful person, open and honest about your feelings, stridently individualistic and utterly genuine. My guess is that you are very loyal as a friend; the kind that sticks there through thick and thin. I’d also guess (please forgive me if my assumptions are false - I don’t know you in person, so have to rely whatever impressions I get from your writing; so I’m bound to miss the mark a lot) that it might take a while for you to let someone in, but once there, they are there for life.
Sadly, this was not reciprocated, but that does not diminish who *you* are, or what kind of friend you are.
Don’t let this shut you down. There are people out there who are worthy to know, who would return your gift friendship in the manner in which it is offered.
Take care.
Laurel,
I totally agree with you - your first loyalty is always with your husband! Since you are starting a new life together your focus must naturally be on the two of you blending your lives together, and the last thing you need is a friend who does not support your marriage. Believe me, there are *enough challenges* without the dissenting voice of a critical friend.
Perhaps he has carried a torch for you all these years and was too afraid of losing your friendship to act on his feelings?
Whatever his reasons, he has the opportunity to accept what is to be, and show up to the wedding with a better attitude.
It says a great deal about Mike that he was willing to put up with your friend’s rudeness to him since day 1, for your sake.
Congratulations on your engagement:)
Anon,
Anyone who *displays* their Mensa certificate, or ‘casually’ mentions their membership status, has deep insecurities. It’s always something, right? Whether it’s a “look at me, I’m a genius!” or “look at me, I work for MS!” thing, the message is clear.
They don’t feel worthy, or that they have value just as they are. So they keep trying to prove it, to themselves and others.
Mensa: the “We’re smarter (and therefore better) that you Club.” I never take their quizzes that arrive in the email - I just know I’d get the “Hah! You’re an idiot, we knew it all along! Neener, neener, neener!” rating.