Quotes
About the Quotes
“I’ll probably hit myself for saying this but I’m truly glad that I don’t have a place of dishonor on your quote page…out of all of the stupid things I’ve said, I think I would….well….not sure what I would do…but I’m sure it would be drastic.” —Jennifer Lee
“I just meant that I didn’t want to end up with loads of stupid quotes, because well, why would I want to be like Todd?” —Stephanie Vita
“I hope I’m not on here.” —CWO David Williamson, US Navy, Retired, NJROTC Instructor
“You better watch out what you say, you might end up on a web page.” —John Kilzer, Computer Networking Teacher
“If I ever run for political office and my rivals find all these things you’ve quoted me as saying, I’ll be screwed.” —Todd Gray
My Friends
Jennifer Lee
“I’m a Scottish whore. A virgin Scottish whore.”
“ Well, that was my excuse to be in his pants.”
Mike Klein
“I ordered tickets from Ticketmaster about a month ago, and every time I check the status it says my tickets ‘are in the process of being printed’. That must be one fucking slow printer.”
“I think that’s the definition of a ‘knee-jerk’ reaction. Other than the knee-jerk reaction itself, of course. I think you get my meaning.”
Jon Bates
“Here’s a two-gig hard drive, I wonder what size it is.”
“1914, 1917, and 1918. I can remember those two dates.” —Expressing confidence in passing the next test in “Uncle” Pete Rennie’s World History class.
“If I plug it in, it might work better.” —Understanding a central principle in electronics
Stephanie Vita
“Maria and I were looking through the movies and we saw one called Amy’s Orgasm so we decided to look at the previews for it and it was just a normal movie and I went ‘Well that was anti-climatic.’”
“…but she died the year before I died.” —On her grandmother
“I’ve had bad experiences with boys, water guns, and white shirts.”
Todd “Ttod” Gray
“You need to get laid. Scratch that. I need to get laid.”
“Life would be so much better if strip malls were strip clubs.”
“That’s what you get for basing your philosophy off of cartoons.”
“She’s a woman! They don’t think about something until after they did it.”
“So, even if you’re a good dancer. If you’re one of the only white people at a joint filled with black people. You’ll still look stupid.”
“I want to own a monkey wrench just ’cause, you know?”
“President Bush always makes good speeches.”
“He just strings sentences together with big words and tries to sound smart. He reminds me of Jesse Jackson.”
“I think it’s like unofficially offically over now.”
“I never knew a .net address would get you women. I need one of those, man.” —Failing to understand the source of my sex appeal
“I didn’t know you was going to be a feminist about it.”—After having one of his advances rejected
“I’ll fuckin respond with napalm!”
Will Curry
“Some guys look good in tight leather pants.”
“Compile yourself.”
“Why don’t they call it President-Eve?”—In a discussion about why we call someone a President-Elect and the day before Christmas Christmas Eve
“I’m as sharp as a marble with twice the IQ.”
“You have a magnetic personality, the only problem is, everyone else is the same charge as you.”
Other Friends
“I used to know a schizophrenic who thought the pope was after him, and that I was the messiah. He never used the word ‘sundry’, or ‘post-ipso-facto-anti-culture movement’, but I am pretty sure he and LaRouche would get along.” —Michael Doughty, evaluating Presidential candidate Lyndon LaRouche
“Who has hair? Who can breathe?” —Colin Bradley, attempting to praise his cat
“I’m the only Irish Black Muslim.”—Patrick B on his one-letter last name
“‘OK’ doesn’t need an abbreviation.”—Iftach Amir on my saying “k” in an online chat as an abbreviation for “ok”
Professors and College Instructors
Jessica Schubert, English
“Fireworks are on sale this weekend. Remember, visual aids can include pyrotechnics”
Gene Lai, Finance
“I don’t encourage you to go out and drink, because we have a low inflation rate.” — after relating the story of a person who dealt with hyperinflation by drinking beer, because the beer cans ended up being worth more than the money would if he had saved it
“I was a poor student. We switched banks every month, got free toaster, free radio…”
“If they know risk management they should not fly on plane together.” — about the Google cofounders
Dina Ng, Math
“We Filipino always say ‘far from the intestine’.” — translating an idiom from her native language
“When I’m talking, I’m using English, and when I’m thinking, I’m thinking Chinese!”
“When X is large, what do you get? Large…. 2 times large is large.”
“C prime over C, see?”
“Life is hard without the chain rule.”
High School Teachers
Jack Grantham, German
“Don’t trip me, it’ll be seven on the Richter scale.”
“Here I am, blocking out the Berlin Wall.” —Showing pictures from a visit to Europe
“Uncle” Pete Rennie, History
“If you’re a history teacher and you can’t use that, you just aren’t trying.”—On the Weekly World News
“Money often equates with wealth.”
“We’ll save education for tomorrow.”
“I am you!”
“Ren’ don’t dance.”—Explaining why he doesn’t dance
“You’ve got to be able to see things that aren’t really there.”
“There are not the creativity engineers out there.”—On the problems in Germany after the First World War
Chief Warrant Officer David Williamson, NJROTC
“I like missiles, they go boom.”
“I am paperwork.”
“I like shiny things.”
“Parents are weird. I shouldn’t say that because I am a parent.”
Mark Valentine, English
“If you carry books, people think you can read.”
“What you do know about it is unknown.”
John Kilzer, Computer Electronics
“A good cable can be bad. Does that make sense? No.”
“…right-click, left-click, your click, my click…”—On dual-button mice
“I misspell my own name.”
“People are human.”
Byron Weeks, Chemistry
“I’m kind of like a Chia Pet.”—Explaining his rate of hair and beard growth
“Don’t eat the chemicals.” —An abbreviated lecture on chemical safety
“I’m not acting dumb, I am dumb.”—Byron Weeks, M.S. in Chemistry
Alex Chiu
“Only Alex Chiu has the solution to a unified world, unless you can think of a better one.”
“If you are not a professional prophet, you don’t have the authority to write up prophecies.”
“The reason why I know that God is a mathematic formula is probably I am Chinese.”
“In other words, any prophecy from God is guaranteed to be accurate, and any prophecy which is not from God but given in his name shall guarantee the death of the prophet. I am risking my life to tell you this.”
Politicians and Other Criminals
“Senator John McCain has survived 5 plane crashes, internment in a POW camp, and cancer. I’m convinced he’s some kind of stealth Terminator unit.” —Unknown
“9/11 told us that Manhattan is not an island.” —Sandy Berger, former National Security Advisor
“For eight years I have been in charge of crime in this state.”—Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, former Lieutenant Governor of Maryland, and daughter of the late Robert F. Kennedy
“My fellow Americans, I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.”—Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on.
“Next year is going to be a very important day for us!”—Richard Daley, Mayor of Chicago
“We should stop getting stoned on other people’s money.”—House of Representatives Majority Leader Dick Armey on the Bush tax cut
“I know how hard it is for you to put food on your families.”—George W. Bush
“I don’t see why people buy assault weapons and nuclear arms for fun, a family could have a domestic incident that could get out of hand and they may use those weapons.”—Jean Chretien, Prime Minister of Canada, fearing domestic violence incidents may escalate to thermonuclear war
“I do touch too much bread, yes, more than the next person.” —Samuel Feldman, on being convicted for squeezing and destroying $1000 worth of bread and cookies in bakeries
