sheer potentiality

Stephanie Vita: Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I hate Valentine’s Day.
Philip Welch: Why don’t you like the anniversary of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre?
Philip Welch: You should take the opportunity to celebrate your Italian heritage.
Stephanie Vita: *laughs*
Stephanie Vita: I don’t have a boyfriend. So the romantic part of it is just crappy to me.
Philip Welch: There’s a romantic part to Valentine’s Day!?
Stephanie Vita: Yea, Phil. Where have you been?
Stephanie Vita: You know, couples, flowers, hearts, jewelry.
Philip Welch: Shhh!
Philip Welch: I’m trying to block that all out!

Join my crusade to take back St. Valentine’s Day. Romance is overrated. Celebrate the massacre instead, and deny that the holiday has any other significance! That’s what I do.

So how exactly do you celebrate the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre? (Note: The following suggestions are only valid within the United States, since that’s where the massacre took place. If you’re outside the United States, don’t celebrate American holidays. There’s probably something that happened in your country on Valentine’s Day, so celebrate that instead.

• Organize a tournament of your favorite violent multiplayer video game.
• Paintball and laser tag are also excellent ways to stage your own massacre.
• Re-enact the actual massacre. 1920’s-era dress and firearms optional, but they add to the authenticity. (Be sure to use blanks!)
• If you can’t stage a full-scale re-enactment, just go for the 1920’s-era dress. Violin cases are optional.
• Celebrate the Prohibition era in general by making some moonshine and smuggling it to your friends, listening to some jazz, or having a closed-doors party in your basement with plenty of liquor.
• Organize some crime yourself! You probably don’t want to go for violent crime, but most non-violent drug crimes are well within the spirit of Al Capone while remaining safe and victimless. Smuggling alcohol to your friends who are younger than 21 works, but you don’t want to do it in a disorganized manner. Organized crime is what we’re celebrating here! If you’re a complete coward, get some friends to jaywalk with you, or drive in a convoy 10 miles per hour above the legal limit. If, like Al, you don’t get caught until two years later, you’ll have good luck for seven years!
• While wanton violence and lawlessness is a key aspect of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre anniversary, don’t forget to celebrate your Italian heritage as well. Even if you don’t have Italian heritage, pretend that you do. It’s great practice for pretending to have Irish heritage next month. While Columbus Day is usually the day to celebrate Italian heritage, it’s also offensive to Native Americans because of Columbus’s involvement in slavery and genocide against their people. True, Italians might not want to celebrate their heritage by celebrating organized crime, but I fail to see how celebrating slavery and genocide makes them look any better.