Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

A most remarkable device

Sunday, March 2nd, 2008

I was reminded today that I have the most remarkable device installed in my apartment: a grilled cheese sandwich detector.

Every time I make a grilled cheese sandwich it goes BEEP BEEP BEEP as loudly as possible. This is to warn me that I have a grilled cheese sandwich in my apartment, and that if I don’t evacuate immediately it might kill me. It has other features too: for instance, it warns me when I’m using my oven without cleaning it first, or if the pizza I am baking has dripped bits of now-burning cheese onto the bottom of the oven. This is a very important feature, and I very much appreciate having alarms go off whenever I lose the slightest bit of cheese from my pizza.

The hidden symbolism of road signs

Friday, January 25th, 2008

Many motorists view road signs as simply traffic control devices intended to maintain safety and provide information, but in reality, they contain many hidden double and triple meanings, serving to uphold and represent the predominant white-male heteronormative patriarchy. Examples?

Yield

This sign is a prototypical example of masculine sexual power. The wedge shape suggests a purpose of splitting or opening (perhaps with a hammer), as a border of red (symbolic of danger) threateningly surrounds a field of white (symbolic of innocent, virginal womanhood, this symbolism itself rife with racial subtext), with the simple, monosyllabic command to “yield” a mere emphasis of the command. Such sexually-charged displays of dominance demand the (male) driver play the part of the woman, yielding obediently to cross traffic just as a woman is expected to yield obediently to her husband/rapist.

Interestingly, there is a feminine counterpart to the yield sign:

Slippery When Wet

Yellow, symbolic of caution but less directly associated with danger than red, draws the viewer’s eye to the iconic car (a known phallic symbol) treacherously traversing an extremely curved path. The sign’s denotation, “slippery when wet”, simply serves as an encouraging double entendre; while supposedly a caution sign, this sign invites the driver to play the part of the man, boldly traversing the slippery curves ahead, the yellow background symbolizing the accused cowardice he would surely be guilty of were he to not proceed. The overall effect is to portray the woman as a “dangerous” thrill ride presenting herself for male enjoyment: the prostitute.In these two signs alone we have two vastly contradictory portrayals of womanhood, both of which emphasize “traditional” gender roles and male dominance. The virgin bride of the “yield” sign is portrayed as innocent, her virtue in danger from, yet ultimately submitting to, the dominant male. The whore of the “slippery when wet” sign is beckoning and inviting, dangerous, infinitely more interesting but ultimately submissive as well.

Merge Right

The political subtext behind this sign is obvious.

PRIEST FIGHT!

Thursday, December 27th, 2007

This is the most awesome news story I have ever read:

Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests attacked each other with brooms and stones inside the Church of the Nativity as long-standing rivalries erupted in violence during holiday cleaning on Thursday.

And the best part?

Palestinian police, armed with batons and shields, quickly formed a human cordon to separate the two sides so the cleaning could continue, then ordered an Associated Press photographer out of the church.

You know you’ve slipped into bizarro world where the Palestinians are stopping religiously-motivated fighting.

Quote of the week

Tuesday, May 29th, 2007

It may be worth noting that the Westfield Mall and Disney security tried to bar the zombies from entering, but Apple store security did not. In fact, salespeople were jostling one another for a position where they could take the best photo of the zombies (or themselves with the zombies, or their brains being eaten by the zombies).

From News.com.com.com

Traffic statistics

Thursday, May 10th, 2007

Well, I went to check my traffic statistics. As always, the search phrases for May are amusing. They include the following:

“prohibition era violin cases smuggling liquor”

Actually, I thought prohibition-era violin cases were for smuggling Thompson submachine guns. It probably hit my St. Valentine’s Day post of about a year ago when I suggested that it should be celebrated primarily as the anniversary of the eponymous massacre.

“are you free in the sense of being single or in the sense of being liberated?”

This surprisingly deep and probing question paraphrases part of my conversation with God.

“i keep getting random long lasting erections”

This probably matched my parody disclaimer. Um, and I don’t know what to advise. Except masturbating more often.

“unbifurcated garments”

Hooray! One of my favorite topics!

“why is it acceptable for women to wear pant but not for men to wear skirt”

Good question.

From April:

“cadbury eggs disgusting”

No! Cadbury eggs awesome!

“how to annoy a neighbor”

BY LEAVING YOUR ALARM CLOCK RUNNING FOR 30 MINUTES CONTINUOUSLY!

“become a gay prostitute”

I don’t know anything about that. But I do know that one way of getting out of blood donation is ” have sex with a gay prostitute from Nigeria since 1977 while high on intravenous drugs… while you were spending a cumulative total of three months or more in the United Kingdom (U.K.) between 1980, and 1996, while eating exclusively mechanically separated beef”.

“how much does the u.s. pay cuba for guantanamo bay”

2,000 gold coins a year.

“ticketmaster in the process of being printed”

As Mike Klein said, “that must be one fucking slow printer”.

My TA on Maxwell’s Demon

Friday, April 13th, 2007

“Physics does involve occasional congress with demonic beings…this demon is very stupid and has a very boring job”.

People of Boston: You are all idiots

Saturday, February 3rd, 2007

If anyone is reading this blog from Boston, Massachusetts, it is very possible that you are an idiot. I have taken it upon myself to educate the people of Boston, Massachusetts about a very important issue. If you are from Boston, please read this message.

Below you will see two pictures. Before you look at these images, I would like to personally assure you that my website is not an explosive device, so do not panic when you see these pictures. One portrays cartoon characters, and the other portrays an explosive device. Almost everybody who is not from Boston, Massachusetts can correctly identify which is which:


Stumped? Well, here is the correct answer: the first picture is of cartoon characters, while the second picture is of an improvised explosive device discovered in Iraq.

Pictured below is one thing. Your challenge is to identify whether this is an explosive device, or a representation of a cartoon character.

Now, there are many clues that we can use to determine what this device actually is. For instance, we can surmise from the glowing lights that this device is supposed to be obvious, and is clearly meant to be seen. This is not uncommon. Billboards, for instance, are often well-lit because advertisers intend for motorists to see them. People who plant bombs, on the other hand, generally do not want the bombs to be seen, because that would lead to their discovery. Instead, they want to hide bombs alongside roads, in trash cans, or in other places where they will not be discovered until they blow up.

(The people of Boston should know this second part very well, because their distant relatives in Ireland spent most of the last century doing this throughout England, often with the financial assistance of American Irish, from Boston and other American cities.)

Still, many people in Boston were confused and thought that the above advertisement was in fact a bomb. The Attorney General of Massachusetts, Martha Coakley, said the following:

“It had a very sinister appearance. It had a battery behind it, and wires.”

source

I assume by “a very sinister appearance”, she means that the Mooninite was scowling, with furrowed eyebrows, and a raised middle finger. I’ve never been to Boston, but from what I’ve gathered, that would describe the appearance of many drivers one would encounter in that city, and no one ever thinks they’re going to explode. As for the battery and wires…well, I see I have more work to do than I thought I did.

You see, things like lights are powered by something called electricity, which is an efficient way to transmit energy. Electrical charge can be stored in batteries, and is transmitted from a source (such as a battery) along something called a circuit, along wires. This is normal, and present within all sorts of devices, including cellular phones, computers, iPods, and other electrical devices. Even the electrical devices in your home use wires to connect to wall sockets, which themselves use a complex network of wires to connect to power plants.

Pictured below are a couple everyday items that are powered by large D-cell batteries:


None of the above items are bombs.

I hope this clarifies things.

In case you were wondering…

Monday, January 8th, 2007

This is the stuff that nightmares and bad LSD trips are made of.

Mergers

Wednesday, October 18th, 2006

I think that, in order to prevent small populations from unduly affecting national politics, we should seek to even out the population differences between states. One important way to do this is to merge together less populous states. What would be the results of such a reorganization? Following are a few state names I have devised:

Wydahontana
Dakota
Carolina
Nebraskansas
Arklahoma
Kennessee (alternatively, West Pennsyltucky)
Utazonah
Alaskaii

And finally, the merger of Iowa and Connecticut, which shall be dubbed “Disconnecticut”.

The best of Clint Cole, electrical engineering instructor

Friday, September 8th, 2006

“You know what that means? Boolean algebra.”—trying to intimidate us into asking questions at the beginning of class

“You’ve all seen tasers before, it’s what police do for a hobby.”

“Did I get all the requirements? Eh, I’m kind of making it up.”