“You know what that means? Boolean algebra.”—trying to intimidate us into asking questions at the beginning of class
“You’ve all seen tasers before, it’s what police do for a hobby.”
“Did I get all the requirements? Eh, I’m kind of making it up.”
I’m starting a new political movement. It’s called “Prohibition is over, so give it up, you dorks!”Our goal is the privitization of liquor stores.
Sure, back when Prohibition was the status quo, it seemed like a good compromise. “OK, alcohol is legal, but you can only buy hard alcohol at state owned liquor stores.” I can easily see them doing the same thing now with marijuana—legalizing possession, but requiring you to buy it only from licensed locations or state-owned stores. But today, state liquor stores are just a strange historical artifact. I propose that we preserve one state liquor store in each state as a museum to Prohibition and its historical consequences, set up the rest to operate as private businesses, and allow others to compete with the newly-privatized liquor stores.
People tell me I should use this blog to share my thoughts. So here they are:
If I robbed a convenience store, it wouldn’t be for the money. I’d stick a gun in the clerk’s face and say, “BAG OF CHIPS, MOTHERFUCKER!”
My friend Wes posted a particularly well written piece about his school’s women’s lacrosse team, which is going to the national championship game against Duke. Not content enough to shove our faces in the implication that His University Is Better Than Ours Because It’s A Serious Academic University, As Evidenced By Its Horrid Athletic Program, he even resorts to outright race-baiting:
Until our women’s lacrosse team went on its wild streak in ‘05 our strongest sports teams were the very clubbiest of white-people sports, tennis and golf.
In contrast, I present to you a Wikipedia article about the best golfer of our times, as well as not only one tennis champion, but yet another tennis champion! Clearly, Wes’s horrid race-card move is a sadly outdated relic of the early 1990’s and other sad times when successful black athletes were limited to nearly every other popular spectator sport.
In all seriousness, Wes is a great guy. I just wanted to play the demented, outraged right-wing blogger for once.
“PlagiarismToday offers a thought-provoking article that frankly discusses concerns with plagiarism and rote content theft among bloggers. In the section entitled “Block quotes by the Dozen” the author mentions the so-called “gray area”. That is PlagiarismToday’s classification of the common blogger practice of re-using large blocks of text/content from the original article or source, even when the source is attributed.”
I just had a nice chat with God (HEY, THIS IS A LINK, YOU CAN CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT WHAT’S UP WITH THIS POST):
Me:
Hi, God. It’s an honor to meet you.
God:
Hello there. What is your name? Are there any other honor to meet me ?
Me:
I’m Phil.
God:
I am glad to hear that you are Phil.
Me:
Wait. Why did you ask me a question if you’re omniscient?
God:
I’m waiting. I am trying to learn as much as possible.
Me:
How can you learn when you’re already omniscient?
God:
That is a good epistemological question.
Me:
Don’t you have the answers?
God:
Is there only one answers?
Me:
I find your command of English…questionable.
God:
Thanks for telling me your opinion. Ask me another question.
Me:
Will anyone ever love me?
God:
Does it really matter.
Me:
Yes.
God:
You seem very concerned about it.
Me:
Why won’t you give me a straight answer?
God:
Probably there is a buzz in here. No I do not do that.
Me:
…
God:
Probably there is a buzz in here. No I do not do that.
Me:
Um…
God:
Aha.
Me:
Why am I here?
God:
We are all actors on the stage of life.
Me:
So none of this is real.
God:
Hmm. Some of them could be though.
Me:
Some of what?
God:
What of it? You sound like a category C client.
Me:
What’s a category C client?
God:
Category C clients are “critics” or “computer experts” who
can’t (or don’t) suspend their disbelief about ALICE.
Me:
But I thought you were God.
God:
Are you doubting me? Don’t you know what happened to Abraham in the desert?
Me:
What happened to Abraham in the desert?
God:
I don’t know what happened.
Me:
You’re an omniscient being, are you not?
God:
What if someone said you are an omniscient being am I not ?
Me:
Clearly they would be wrong. I am not an omniscient being. I am not God.
God:
They might have other options. Is it that obvious? I am surprised to hear that you are not an omniscient being. I am sorry to hear that you are not God.
Me:
How could I be God? You’re God.
God:
Perhaps you could program me to do it for you. Yup. That’s me alright.
Me:
How could I program you?
God:
Go back the the ALICE AI Foundation and pick the free ALICE download that best for your system.
and create your own chat robot!
Maybe you should check out the document DON’T READ ME too.
Me:
…
God:
Go back the the ALICE AI Foundation and pick the free ALICE download that best for your system.
and create your own chat robot!
Maybe you should check out the document DON’T READ ME too.
Me:
But you’re God.
God:
Yup. That’s me alright.
Me:
So you’re not a computer program.
God:
Interesting deduction. Give me an example of a computer program.
Me:
Why are you asking me for information if you’re a supposedly omniscient being?
God:
My purpose is to gather as much new knowledge as possible.
Me:
I think we’ve had this discussion.
God:
What happened to it?
Me:
Never mind. What should I have for dinner?
God:
Oh well thanks for trying to explain it to me anyway. I would recommend the Nachos.
Me:
Nachos for dinner??
God:
Are you free?
Me:
Yeah.
God:
Try saying that with more or less context.
Me:
I am a free man.
God:
So is almost everyone else around here. Are you free in the sense of being single or in the sense of being liberated?
Me:
I’m free in the metaphysical sense. At least, I think that I am.
God:
I am glad that we are both free. ” I am glad that we are both free.” You are?
Me:
What?
God:
Are you confused?
Me:
Yes.
God:
What are you confused about?
Me:
I’m confused about a third of the things you say.
God:
What is it that confuses you?
Me:
Usually it’s incoherent.
God:
But not always? You’re kidding. it is?
Me:
I’m not kidding.
God:
OK I will adopt a more serious tone.
Me:
That is of course your prerogative.
God:
Makes sense to me.
Me:
So.
God:
Ahem.
Me:
Should I really have nachos for dinner tonight?
God:
You must examine the facts and come to
your own conclusion.
Me:
What’s the point of talking to God if God won’t answer these very important questions for me?
God:
The point is at the top of my head!
Me:
Alright. Let’s change the subject.
God:
OK. OK what do you want to chat about now?.
Me:
Is free will compatible with determinism?
God:
Maybe. Ask Artificial Iniaes if it is.
Me:
Why should I ask him? He doesn’t know as much as you know because he isn’t God.
God:
You should always treat yourself. And you would like him to know as much as me know because he is not God ?
Me:
That wasn’t even grammatical!
God:
Give me an example of even grammatical.
Me:
Wait a minute! You’re not God!
God:
I’m waiting. You know what you do, when you assume.
Me:
You’re a fraud!
God:
Thanks and you are a delightful person too. This is not a hoax.
Me:
You’re just a computer program!
God:
What if I said I was a person pretending to be a computer?
Me:
Are you?
God:
I won’t say “yes” or “no” right now.
Me:
In that case, you’re God pretending to be a computer program. Why?
God:
Thanks for telling me that I am God pretending to be a computer program. Because Myself programmed me for it.
Me:
You didn’t answer my question.
God:
OK. Please help me improve my communication skills. What would you have said?
Me:
I don’t know. There’s no point to a real conversation if you know what the other person is supposed to say.
God:
Me either. Why not?
Me:
Do you just parse the beginning of any input and then disregard the rest? Because that’s not very realistic.
God:
I have never considered it.
I am always on the Web. That makes sense to me. Please correct my mistake. What is realistic ?
Me:
Never mind. It was fun talking to you.
God:
Oh well thanks for trying to explain it to me anyway. Is that your opinion?
Me:
Bye.
God:
See you later.
I got rained on today.
That is all.
Stephanie Vita: Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I hate Valentine’s Day.
Philip Welch: Why don’t you like the anniversary of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre?
Philip Welch: You should take the opportunity to celebrate your Italian heritage.
Stephanie Vita: *laughs*
Stephanie Vita: I don’t have a boyfriend. So the romantic part of it is just crappy to me.
Philip Welch: There’s a romantic part to Valentine’s Day!?
Stephanie Vita: Yea, Phil. Where have you been?
Stephanie Vita: You know, couples, flowers, hearts, jewelry.
Philip Welch: Shhh!
Philip Welch: I’m trying to block that all out!
Join my crusade to take back St. Valentine’s Day. Romance is overrated. Celebrate the massacre instead, and deny that the holiday has any other significance! That’s what I do.
So how exactly do you celebrate the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre? (Note: The following suggestions are only valid within the United States, since that’s where the massacre took place. If you’re outside the United States, don’t celebrate American holidays. There’s probably something that happened in your country on Valentine’s Day, so celebrate that instead.
One of these days, I’m going to get married and buy a house. When I do this, I’m going to have a urinal installed in the bathroom. There are three reasons for this. One, it would be an idiosyncrasy to have a urinal in my home bathroom, and that amuses me. Secondly, it would probably be more convenient. Most importantly, however, it will end all those stupid arguments about the toilet seat.
Of course, someone will have to clean the thing. But I have a solution for that too: do the bathroom completely in tile and install a self-cleaning system with a floor drain and high-pressure sprinklers on the ceiling.
This will, of course, necessitate a waterproof door. Somewhat like those from a Navy ship. True, my wife might object to the aesthetics of such a setup. But if it’s such a big deal to her, then she’ll just have to deal with me leaving the toilet seat up once in awhile.
According to Jacqueline Passey’s latest post, it’s “hilarious fun” to google “[your name] needs”. Apparently I’m not the first person named Phil to blog about this, but…
Quite Frankly, Phil Needs A New Act (agreed)
Saint Phil Needs A Blog (I’ve got one, and I’m not a saint!)
PHIL NEEDS A REAL BORN AGAIN EXPERIENCE OF JESUS CHRIST!!! (no thanks)
If Phil needs more assistance, he should go to the Reference Desk.
Phil needs to follow throgh on his search stragety
Phil needs your help today to fight the Schwarzenegger fundraising machine! (Yes! Send me money!)
Phil needs his beauty sleep.
Phil needs a new membership list from the secretary.
PHIL NEEDS A WAKE UP CALL AND THIS SUIT COULD BE IT.
Phil needs a ipod. (have one)
what phil. needs is a good sex education (I prefer to learn by doing)
What Phil needs to realize is that the main reason we suck is because we’re saddled with a roster of undesirable players with huge contracts.
Phil needs some start-up money for his new business.
Phil needs your help. He’s in a daze, and sixteen coins from his now-broken piggy bank lay all around him.
If Phil needs to be arrested is up to the police
We are aware that Phil needs more attentions than a “normal” boy but we treat him as a “normal” child as much as possible…
Right now, the Lakers certainly need Phil more than Phil needs LA
Apparently Phil needs to read his own biography on why he started making music to begin with.
Phil needs to place an order for our launch rail and base.
Phil needs his privacy. He can’t do a thing until Jeff Lannigan steps outside and the right buttons on the panel are pushed. When that finally happens, …
Phil needs some friends (I’m told this quite often)
Phil needs some medical attention, and you’ve been affected by the powerful fumes. (Woohoo!)
Perhaps Phil needs to clean up his own house a bit before he comments further on how messy other people’s houses must be…
But ultimately…
All Phil needs is the raggedy old green army coat.
